The Sad Moms Club

A podcast to connect Utah women--especially those who are infertile, pregnant, or postpartum--to the local maternal mental health resources available. I interview providers around Utah to help bring therapy tips and coping skills conveniently to your ear-holes.

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The Sad Moms Club

33. How a Miscarriage Led to Mrs. Utah America with Baylee Demars

January 23, 2024 • Joni Lybbert • Season 2 • Episode 33

** TRIGGER WARNING** We discuss pregnancy and infant loss throughout this episode.

Baylee Demars, the current Mrs. Utah America for 2023, shares her personal experience with pregnancy loss and how entering her first-ever pageant led to advocacy work and volunteer work with the non-profit organization Share Parents of Utah.

Resources:

Share is a national organization with over 75 Chapters in 29 states. If you don't see a Chapter in your state, there are other helpful organizations listed.
Share Parents of Utah
Volunteer with Share Parents of Utah
The Butterfly Broadcast, Baylee Demars' podcast, on Apple and Spotify
If you want to reach out to Baylee directly, here is her Instagram
@mrsutahamerica if you're interested in connecting with pageants

Follow along on The Sad Moms Club's Instagram: @the.sad.moms.club

Samson Q2U Microphone-4: 0:00

Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the sad moms club before we get started. I just want to give a trigger warning. We're going to talk about pregnancy loss, miscarriage, infant loss throughout this episode. And so if you feel like that's not something you can handle right now, or maybe you are prone to anxiety and you're pregnant. And this is probably not gonna help you. Maybe just skip over this episode and join us again. Next time. Today we are talking to Bailee DeMars.

Samson Q2U Microphone: 0:23

She's the current Mrs. Utah America for 2023. Her platform is about pregnancy and infant loss and helping people connect to resources after they've gone through a loss. She personally experienced a loss, a miscarriage, Between her first and second child. And it rocked her and she didn't feel like she could find the support she needed. Later on, she decided to apply, I guess, for this pageant. And She's never done a pageant before. But a requirement of doing it is to have a platform. And so she chose this as her platform.

Samson Q2U Microphone-3: 0:59

She's done a lot of great work in our community by volunteering. For. And helping spread awareness of this incredible organization called Share Parents of Utah that we'll talk about a little bit more throughout the episode. Also, she has a podcast called The Butterfly Broadcast which allows grieving parents to share their story and, talk about how they made some meaning out of there. Grief and their tragic loss. So here's Bailee.

1:27

Welcome to the Sad Moms Club. Welcome to the Sad Moms Club. Welcome to the Sad Moms Club.

Joni: 1:37

Today we have Bailee DeMars, and thanks for spending some time with us, Bailee. You're going to share with us a lot of your story today, and I'm really excited to hear about it. But can you first just introduce yourself, and Tell us a little bit about you.

Baylee: 1:50

Yeah, absolutely. Yep, I'm Bailey DeMars and I am a Utah native. I'm not very exotic. I am from, I'm from Sandy and I, let's see, interesting things about myself is I used to be like, not claustrophobic, but my dad is a boater. He sells boats for a living. So I grew up in water and. Something I always wanted to try because my mom and my dad did when they were young married couple as they scuba dived. So something I'm very proud of is like the last couple of years I got certified to scuba dive and I've since scuba dived with sharks and all kind of sea life in various places around the world and that really scared me so I'm very proud of that fact.

Joni: 2:45

Yeah, that's amazing. You really uh, face your fear in all the ways and extra fears, maybe. I don't know. Maybe you're not afraid of sharks, but they're spooky to me. That's cool. Okay. So you grew up in Sandy, you've lived in Utah like your whole life. Like you never moved

Baylee: 3:00

That's right. The only thing I did do was I did serve a mission for the church I belong to, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. And so I spent 18 months in Madrid, Spain, and it was a wonderful experience. It's a melting pot there. So I got to know several cultures and I became fluent in Spanish, which has helped me in my dental hygiene career tremendously because in school we had to find our own patients and the Hispanic population is one that is underserved. And so I was able to reach that community because of my language skills and. And, you know, it's just helpful with traveling, with grocery store, with everything. I love the Spanish language,

Joni: 3:46

do you still feel like you have a pretty good handle on it?

Baylee: 3:48

Yeah, and my husband he served his mission in Mexico. We speak differently, but we understand one another. And it's helpful around kids when we don't want them to understand what we're saying. And, yeah, I've just built a lot of friendships around Spanish language, so I love that.

Joni: 4:09

so you went to dental hygiene school. I don't think I knew that or remembered that. When did you go to school and how long did you work as a dental

Baylee: 4:15

Yeah, so I went to BYU, and I did two years of prerequisites there, and then I went to serve time in Spain, and when I returned, I went to a private dental hygiene school in Orem, and that was, like, one of the hardest things I've ever done. So Everybody needs to give proper credit to their hygienist because it is extremely challenging. And so I graduated in 2018, and I worked for a year, and then my husband's job actually has taken us around the country. So I did leave that part out. We've lived in Texas, Ohio, and a little bit in California, and in Arizona. in North Carolina. So I was able to get a dental hygiene license in Ohio, for example, and work there. And in Utah, now that I have kids, I do temping, which is like substitute work. So I can be really flexible. And it's the perfect job for me. I love teeth, I love enhancing things, and I love flexibility. So it's the perfect job.

Joni: 5:22

That's so cool. Yeah. I have a friend who went to dental hygiene school and yeah, everything she posted about it. I was like, this looks maybe more intense than nursing

Baylee: 5:33

Yeah, nursing school was my first choice and I didn't get accepted because I had a 3. 9 instead of a 4. 0 and so

Joni: 5:41

That's so

Baylee: 5:42

I know it was, It was devastating at the time but I do believe that dental hygiene has been a little bit better of a course for me just because of the flexibility. And I do have a lot of nursing knowledge because we're required to have, full body anatomy knowledge. So it's not just the mouth it's a lot more than that.

Joni: 6:03

Totally. You spend way more time with your dental hygienist than you do with the dentist. You spend like three seconds with them and then. A whole lot of time with you guys, so very cool that you got to do that and still get to do it. Okay so, I'm hoping you can just share a little bit about your personal story of loss. We're recording this in like the month of October, where it's, I'm gonna get the words wrong, but pregnancy loss awareness month? Is it something like that?

Baylee: 6:28

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Yep.

Joni: 6:31

Okay, I don't think it'll come out in October, so we're just going to extend it a little bit longer. But, yeah, you can just start the story wherever you're comfortable.

Baylee: 6:41

so my family, growing up, I was the only child for seven years, and that's because my parents struggled with fertility. And in fact, I was actually a twin, and my mom lost the other twin during her pregnancy, and she didn't even know at the time that she had twins. She thought she had lost everything, and then I was still in there and alive. I didn't understand as a child why I didn't have siblings, and of course, you know, they had miscarriages and tubal pregnancies, and finally, they had my sister when I was almost eight years old, and that was the best thing to happen to me but then shortly after my parents divorced, and So then I kind of became the caretaker of my sister while my mom went back to school and she worked full time and that was just what I was familiar with. So my whole life I had this expectation that my mom's reproductive patterns would be mine that I would struggle with fertility and I was nervous going into marriage, Bringing that baggage with me and not really knowing because you don't really know until you try So when my husband my wonderful husband who I'm obsessed with we had been married for two and a half years and We were ready to start thinking about having a baby And I, I had irregular cycles, but I got really informed on how to track those cycles. And after probably like six months, we were able to conceive. And I was I just, threw a lot of my mind and thought, we're both healthy people. This pregnancy is going to be perfect and healthy. And keep in mind, this was 2020. So tHings got crazy. And long story short is we were traveling to Ohio when I was 35 weeks and we are just getting settled in. For my husband to work temporarily and I was going to go back to Utah and wait to have the baby Because I thought oh you can't travel at 36 weeks. So I'm gonna wait and Things never go how you plan right? Our insurance was in Utah our baby supplies were in Utah. And, on the day that I was going to fly back to Utah, we were getting ready to go to the airport and my water broke. But I was in denial and my contractions started coming and I was like, no, it's fine. I just remember the friends episode where she Went to the hospital and they kept turning her away because first time moms take a long time. So I was like I have enough time to fly back to Utah to deliver this baby with my doctor. And I called my doctor to let her know what was happening, make sure I could get in that day. And she's like, no, you need to go get checked out before you come. And I was like, oh, but I might miss my flight if I do that. She's like, no, you have to. So against my will, I went to the hospital to get checked out. We just googled a random one. That was right by the airport in Ohio, in Cincinnati, and they told me I was five centimeters dilated, and yeah, they're like, you're not leaving here without a baby, and I was like, oh, yes, I am. And within a couple hours he was born. So I'm so grateful I didn't get on that flight, like the stubbornness inside of me wanted to. But it was scary because he was a month early and he had to go to the NICU for lung development problems. And it was COVID. It was May. So things were still fresh and there were really stupid rules, like I couldn't get an epidural until my COVID results came back and we couldn't have food. Like they gave me food for the two days I was a patient and then we got to stay while my baby was in the NICU, but we couldn't leave and we were cut off from access to food. So we starved for three more days until we got to take him home. So it was a traumatic experience. It, It was, And there were things like, I don't know if it had to do with him being new, but he was born with a condition called torticollis. And I wasn't familiar with it, and now I'm realizing how common it is, but it's essentially where that sternocleidomastoid muscle in the neck is tight on one side. And, I kept Pointing out like, our son is, his head is tilted always. It's always cocked and his ear was like folded up. And the pediatricians out there kept, dismissing it. And ended up developing into he got a flat spot on his head because that spot was so tight. And anyway, that whole first time parent thing, I had a lot of regrets. I regretted being In a different state, out of my comfort zone, I regretted not getting proper attention to those needs. I mentioned that because When we started thinking about having a second child, I kind of wanted a do over. I'm like this didn't go how I wanted. I'm really looking forward to a smoother process. I know more now. So, onCe my baby was like a year and a half, we decided to start trying again. And I was so excited. I'm like, okay, I know my body can get pregnant. I can do this. And everything about this is just gonna be smoother. And this time, when I got pregnant, we were in Texas. And we, you know, we're thrilled when the very first month that we started trying, I got a positive pregnancy test. And I feel very fortunate that was the situation, and so just like the previous one had gone up until the very end, that's what I was anticipating. Because I was in Texas for a summer, I was like, oh, do I spend the money to fly back for that first trip? I'm going to talk a little bit about how to do a checkup, or do I just wait till we get home at the end of the summer, and that's when I'll go in for the first check in. And, at first I like to save money, so I was like, that's what I'll lean toward, but I had this gut feeling that I needed to be checked out at 10 weeks. I flew with my baby back to Utah by myself and fortunately I was able to invite a friend to come with me to the appointment so that she could FaceTime my husband to show first ultrasound and she was just so supportive of me and I had a feeling, because I had been sick those, ten weeks that I had been pregnant. I had been super sick, but for some reason the day before that appointment, I had stopped feeling so sick. And, I remember mentioning that to the doctor while I was getting situated with him. I was like, when does morning sickness usually end? And he was saying, usually like 13 weeks and I'm like, could it be ending now? And he's yeah, maybe that's a possibility. And so I have this thought in the back of my mind, but I'm like no, it's fine. And they put the ultrasound up on the screen and I just remember. Seeing a familiar sight, that little tiny bean, but it was completely still. The doctor kept moving the ultrasound wand around, and it's just silent, holding my breath. And my poor husband was on the phone, and he's like, What's going on? What's happening? How's our baby? And I just remember, sorry um,

Joni: 14:56

You're okay.

Baylee: 14:58

Saying like, well there is no baby, even though that wasn't true, but I just didn't know how to blurt it out to him because he wasn't understanding. Just because he wasn't there. And you know, the doctor's like, oh I'm so sorry. And he went on to say, you know, this isn't your fault, it was probably just genetic thing that were, the genes didn't line up right. And then he just went straight into, okay, so do you want a DNC or? Do you want to take a pill? And I was like, oh my gosh, like I don't even know anything about these options And I honestly before that I thought I just thought maybe like, your body reabsorbed things. I didn't really realize that you had to remove what you had been growing and, and he's like, yeah, it's strange your body hadn't already disposed of it you didn't pass it already, so it needs some help. And I'm like, Oh my gosh well, financially what does this look like? And it came down to, the DNC was going to be thousands of dollars and the pill was going to be like 10. And so I was like, okay, I guess I'll take a pill. Not knowing what that was. And that was basically, it's like, okay well, you know, wait a cycle and then we'll see you when you're pregnant again. And that was it.

Joni: 16:23

Oh wow.

Baylee: 16:24

I just walked out sobbing. I didn't know what to say to my friend. I felt embarrassed that she had come with me. I had to go pick up my son from a babysitter and the night before I was just talking with my family like, oh, what gender do we think this is going to be? You know, We had announced it to our families and, meanwhile, my husband is like back in Texas and he's So confused and He's distraught I can't really even talk. I'm just hysterically crying and I remember having to go to Walgreens to pick up that prescription and the guy who was at the window You know, it's his job, but I'll never forget what he said as he handed me the little bag he said, Just so you know, this is an abortion pill and it will kill your fetus. And I was just like, are you kidding me? Like, I'm not the one who's going to kill anything. And, this is not what I want. This is not an abortion in my eyes. This is a loss. And so that was really hard and I felt guilty, you know, taking those pills from him and accepting them. And, I wish I had been told what to expect with those pills, too. I had to fly back to Utah. aNd there were different comments made by family members who maybe didn't understand and I don't blame them because they were just trying to be helpful in some way, but I just remember some of them like, Are you sure you were even pregnant? Or you're still crying about this? And, and, And they didn't mean it, but I just remember, I still remember those things. And, so when I got back to Texas and my husband and I had to prep for taking that pill. I just, man, it was strange to be in a setting of delivering a baby without medical help. That's what it kind of felt like because on the box it said like you'll have Contractions, take this right before you go to bed, so you can sleep through most of the pain. I'm like, oh my gosh. And so that's what I did. And so I was up all night, like laboring, feeling like similar things to what I felt the first time around. Meanwhile, just trying to keep my mouth shut so I didn't wake my husband up. And then going to the bathroom in the morning and just watching everything slip out and seeing that, fetal sack that had been growing. And I just saw an ultrasound a few days before just fall in the toilet and not know what to do with it. Like I know that sounds a little graphic, but that was my reality. And I know many women find themselves in that position. Do I? I pick it up and do something with it? Do I just flush it down the toilet? You know, It's such a strange thing that I was so unprepared for.

Joni: 19:43

Did you, Did you pick it up? What

Baylee: 19:45

No, I was, I was just scared because I was like, is this too gruesome to do? You know, I, I remember it was like the size of a grapefruit. So it was big, it wasn't small. And I was,

Joni: 19:59

That is

Baylee: 20:00

Like it was the point that I felt stretched out and I felt like Uncomfortable and I bled for weeks and weeks after that So it was so much like recovering from a birth and I'd even put on a little bit of weight and it was weird to not have The breastfeeding after to tighten everything back up and just so many things that felt out of order, you know, it just felt wrong. It felt uncomfortable and just looking around at people around me and then having no idea what I had just. been through and that I was bleeding like crazy and hurting so deeply inside because I'd already started planning for that baby. That's what moms do is as soon as they get that positive test they think of the dates and they think of the timeline of their family dynamic and I was due in February and I'm like, okay, so this is, what it's going to be like to bring a baby into the world in, in late winter. And so it was just processing all those things. And then, dealing with comments like, okay, so when are you guys going to have another? They didn't mean it, but I'm like we did it, but we didn't, and I don't know how to answer your question. And then I was like, wow, I am so scared to ever try this again. I don't know if I could risk enduring this. One more time,

Joni: 21:31

Can I ask what was the most scary part? Like emotional pain? The physical pain?

Baylee: 21:38

that's a good question.

Joni: 21:39

Yeah.

Baylee: 21:40

I think, the physical pain only lasts so long, but the emotional pain goes on. And so I think that was what I was most afraid of, is that innocence being gone. And having loved my first child so much, I knew what I was missing out on with this second child. I'd wanted so badly to know the gender, and put a name to that child, and make a place in my family for that child, and my husband is the most tender soul, and it really wrecked him, too. I remember he, trying to go back to work the next day. And, he was knocking doors, it was summer sales, and it was a really sweet, tender mercy. Like I said, we belong to the Church of Jesus Christ, so we felt God's hand in a lot of things. And one of those things was, one of the doors that he had knocked in this neighborhood had a box with a note on it that said, Free flowers. Please take one bouquet to make your day. And so he's oh, I can take these to my wife. And then it was really sweet because as he was picking one up, the mailman was right outside and said, Oh, two doors down, someone has a bunch of vases. Just sitting on their porch, saying free to grab. So it was just this coincidence, because when we were in Texas, we were living in an unfurnished apartment, we were sleeping on an air mattress, and had nothing out there with us, so we didn't have vases, we didn't have anything, so it was like such a tender mercy it felt like a, a heavenly little gift and we didn't know anybody besides the few co workers that he had been out there with. And so it was just a physical, tangible token of love, from strangers that don't know us, but somehow we were guided to that, so anyway, that, that was essentially. The loss, and then just, like I said, wanting another child, I think a lot of moms come to that feeling of they have so much love to give that they are so excited to put that into another pregnancy, but they also feel guilt at the same time, like they're replacing that child or so You know, so it's a, it's a weird conundrum wanting to conceive again because you're scared but you want it so bad and you feel like your family's not complete we did fortunately conceive three months later but every single day of that pregnancy I lived in complete fear. I was always checking in on how I felt. Always doubtful

Joni: 24:37

Like, all consuming anxiety.

Baylee: 24:40

yes, it was not an enjoyable pregnancy like the first time around because I didn't feel like I could attach.

Joni: 24:49

Did that go away when you delivered, or did it still continue even on? You now know your worldview is shattered. Like, Things can be

Baylee: 24:58

yeah, I, I actually went into labor with that one. So. Our, Our second Earthside child, and it was also a boy, but we were keeping it a secret because I think I was also afraid to know the gender this time because I didn't want to give more identity to something that I could lose. And so we were keeping the gender a surprise until birth and so I didn't know but at 32 weeks I started going into labor with contractions and so I was like, wow, my body really can't figure this out. So even though I can get pregnant, it seems to have a problem keeping the child safe. And I was like, 32 weeks is even scarier than my 36 weeker. So luckily with intervention. We were able to stop the contractions. I had dilated to four. So I was put on bed rest the rest of my pregnancy. And that was also hard because I felt like extreme responsibility. If anything happened, it was because I lifted something too heavy or I walked around too much. And I think mothers carry a lot of responsibility. fOr the physical well being of their children, and so that was that was rough. And fortunately, I can look back now and say that it ended okay. I made it to 39 weeks, and he was healthy. He didn't need the NICU. That was a tremendous blessing. And it turned out to be the birth and the post birth experience that I had wanted. And so it was happy to have that. But like you said, even after he was born, I still didn't feel like I could rest easy. Like, I'm like we're probably not done with our family, so it can still happen,

Joni: 26:56

can I ask real quick, did you ever feel during or after your miscarriage betrayed by your body or angry at your

Baylee: 27:05

Oh, absolutely. I said, I felt like it was failing, and I really had a lot of, self like, not hate, but I just, I felt so much guilt because my husband couldn't do anything about it. It was all on me, and that's actually what led me to look into doing this pageant. So actually while I was pregnant with the baby that I miscarried, I had seen Hannah Nieleman, who is better known as the Ballerina Farm Influencer. I had seen that she had won Mrs. Utah and that she was competing for Mrs. America and it just looked like such a beautiful way of Of shining and like I explained, I had to grow up really fast when I had to take on the responsibility for my younger sister, which was a blessing, but I had to quit all my extracurriculars, which ended up really hurting my self esteem. I didn't feel like I was good at anything. I Didn't feel like I had a moment to shine, but I am such a dreamer. My whole life I was always dreaming about singing or dancing or Starring in a show and I had none of those talents none of them, but I dreamed about it I was like there's gotta be some way that I can do it and and as a senior in high school I had gotten up the courage to Go to a Miss Sandy rehearsal, because I saw that they were doing it, I'd seen a friend do Miss Sandy, I was like, maybe this is my chance, and I went to the rehearsal, and they said, okay, so what's your talent, and then I was like, oh, yeah so I can't do this either, and so, and so I backed out, so here I was eight years later, seeing Hannah Neelaman Shine, and I looked at the website for the program she was doing. I didn't know that there were multiple programs for pageants. I just was like, oh, she's married. I'm married. It's not too late. So I looked at the website and it said you only need to do three things, swimsuit, evening gown, and interview. No talent. And I was like, oh, this could be it. I, I can walk on stage in a swimsuit and an evening gown. And I talk to people I can work on those things. And I don't have to like, suddenly become a dancer overnight.

Joni: 29:43

the glasses, like, Sandra Bullock in Miss

Baylee: 29:46

oh, we don't need to get that desperate and make up a talent. but then I was like, okay, I'm pregnant, so this year isn't a good year. And then, that pregnancy didn't end up working out, but I'm like, I still want to have a baby sometime within this year. And fast forward, this rainbow child was born in June of last year, so 2022 and I knew the signups were like in October and I was like, okay I'm gonna be three months postpartum by then or you know three Because it was end of June and I was like, okay I can get my act together and I can do it and It became even more meaningful for me because I had felt so broken. I felt like I hadn't really recovered from that miscarriage. As far as still hating my body, still feeling incomplete, like I hadn't addressed the feelings. And I felt like I had a lot of self work to do and that the pageant could maybe give me a vehicle to work on myself and motivation. And I didn't actually even know at the time the platform side of a pageant. Because it didn't say it on the website. And this just tells you how little I knew about pageants. But when they, called to Welcome me into the program. They're like, so what's your platform? And I was like platform shoes.

Joni: 31:13

ha ha. Hm. Hm

Baylee: 31:16

they're like, Yeah, like what's your cause and I was like, I clean teeth maybe, I could promote oral hygiene? Because, for school we were required to do a lot of volunteer work in that way, so I was like, I guess I could do that. But my heart wasn't in it. Even though I do love that job, it wasn't like I felt like I could move a crowd, be by saying floss more, I felt like that's more nagging than it is inspiring. So I was thinking about it and I was like why am I even doing this is to heal from my loss and maybe there's something more that could be done. So somebody else doesn't have to feel so isolated like I have, I didn't. I didn't know of any resources because, my doctor didn't point me to any, and anytime I saw anyone on Instagram like, hint at a miscarriage, I flocked to them and I'm like, please tell me more. What was it like for you? And I was seeking, you know, validation in whoever was willing to talk about it. And so I was like, okay, how can I make it more accessible to somebody else to find resources? That's when I was like, I don't even know if this is a good platform. But this is what I'm gonna do because I felt like there is a gap in the pregnancy and infant loss resource community. Went back to good old Google and I was like, okay, non profits for Miscarriage. And the first thing that came up was Share Parents of Utah, and I'd never heard of them before, and I looked through their website, and I saw, there were different services they offered, and different events held, and there Uh, tab for volunteers, and so I was like that's how I'm gonna get started, and I emailed the volunteer email and just said, I am doing Mrs. Utah, I'd like to do some work in this field, how can I help you? And they said, Okay, this Saturday, there's a, an event that you could come help with. It's called the Walk of Remembrance. Okay, sure. So I showed up with my two little boys, and it was October, so it was exactly a year ago. It was freezing, and, I remember just, helping set up for this, and then when the crowd, started coming, there were hundreds. Of people. If not on the thousands, there were so many people that came, and there were so many names of babies that were listed, and it was such a beautiful ceremony, and for the first time, I felt not alone, and uh,

Joni: 34:22

Hm. That gave

Baylee: 34:24

I, I, you know, I'd heard just bits and pieces, like I said, from people on the internet who had been willing to share, but I had no idea the magnitude of people that it affected. I felt a little bit out of place because I knew that some of these people had lost full term babies. But I felt like the pain was still similar. It wasn't the exact same, but it was very similar, it was the closest thing to understanding how I'd been feeling for the last two years. My husband wasn't in town, so I'm just here with my two babies, and, one's a rainbow baby. And like, realizing, looking at them, seeing them in person, and just realizing, okay, There's another one of you that I'm missing, and there's all these people around here who also are missing someone in their family, and so it was very emotional, and I was like, what do I do with this feeling? But I'm like, okay, people need to know about this. They need to know, because if I've never heard of shared parents, I feel like there's got to be a lot of people my age, because I'm in the age of having babies. This is something I can do is, is vocalize. That this is an available resource and so I hopped right in with other things. One of my favorite things that ShareParents does is they do hospital companionship, which is where volunteers, every volunteer has had a loss of a child, of a baby, and the hospitals will call and say, this mom lost a baby. 15 weeker who can come and give her support. And so one of the volunteers will go and Not only provide, emotional validation and proper expectations, but, depending on the gestation of the baby, they can make molds of the baby's hands and feet and even face and take pictures, dress the baby so beautifully in handmade clothing and things that just parents who are so in shock and probably out of their element, never have had this happen before. They don't know what to do. And these volunteers who've been there know, okay, take as many pictures as you can. Read books to your child. Nothing is silly. Nothing is weird about this. This is a sacred experience and you only get so much time with that baby. So let's make the most of it. Participating in that meant a lot to me, because it was giving something that I never got, and, you know, like I had said, I had served a mission, and, you know, I had sat down with people, with a companion, providing messages that I felt inspired to And, Share with that person and I've felt like I was doing that again and you know sharing a message with them that they needed at that time and just loving a stranger crying with them and holding them And just all barriers of differences, are erased. I really connected so much with the companions who took me to do this, the senior companions who had so much more experience. Like, I was fortunate to work with the president and the vice president of the organization. And they taught me so much about what people needed to hear at that time. And It's so natural just to love. we Don't have to be taught how to just love and have compassion, which sometimes, you know, hospitals. Just get so in the groove of doing physical patient care that emotional care is hard to give. so that's another thing that we've been addressing is I was able to be a part of creating a book, like a flip book, with tips on what to do and what not to do as a nurse to help. women and their families in that situation. Because, all these volunteers who have been doing this for a long time have witnessed some less than ideal circumstances just for lack of education because, maybe it's not focused on in nursing school. It felt like I was actually contributing to enhancing the experiences of others.

Joni: 39:12

I was just gonna ask the share parrots. aNybody can call them when there's a

Baylee: 39:19

that's right. If you Google Share Parents, a phone number will come up and it's a call line that will direct you to what you need. If it's yourself, if it's somebody you know, they can try to coordinate services. You know, Sometimes it might not be they're at the hospital. Maybe they've already gone to the hospital, but now they're at the mortuary and they'd like someone to come to the mortuary and provide some support. Or maybe they're way past that and they want to know what support groups are available. Every week there is a support group for a different type of person. So there's a grandparent support group once a month. There's a couples one, specifically for men included because a lot of times they get left out, but they're grieving their childs as well. And then there's various locations. There's a Zoom one for someone who can't attend in person. anyone can reach out. There is a different chapter depending on what part of Utah you're from. The chapter I work with, mainly works with Salt Lake County and Utah County. But there's another chapter that they can be directed to for Northern Utah, for Southern Utah. And fortunately, Utah is one of the most developed chapters. ShareParents is a national organization, but Utah, has come further and has more services than several other states.

Joni: 40:49

Wow. That's really neat. I mean, it's Incredible to be able to sit with someone in that heartbreak and we're pretty bad at it as a society. And so it's cool that they get to have someone who literally knows that pain and can sit there and give their thoughts, but also just kind of like witness it. And I love that Encouraging them to. Read to their baby and being like this is not weird this is your time with him or her Let's do whatever you would want to do so that you can remember this as yes heartbreaking But also like I spent time with with my baby. I think that's So

Baylee: 41:30

Yeah, ShareParents, they're angels, everyone who volunteers there, because no one gets paid. And it is a lot of hours, being ready at any time um, you know, be called. But there are various ways to volunteer because not everyone is in a emotional place or even practical place to go attend a hospital. So different ways to volunteer are, they need people who can, hand make little tiny diapers and beanies and sometimes it's burial gowns or just little outfits that are teeny tiny that you can't buy that they can dress the babies in. So that's a way to contribute is if you have that artistic or there are events if you are good at event planning or finance coordinators or social media. I'm a little involved with that, I do a weekly reel and so there's always a need for anyone who is savvy with social media, and also like I mentioned doing the, trainings. It's called in service trainings where you go to hospitals or nursing schools to just get everybody on the same page about, ideal care. I think it's, for most volunteers, a way for them to not only honor their baby, That kind of parent their baby. It's a different way to parent them, but it's only way they can, by paying it forward and making the situation a little bit better for somebody else. And meanwhile connecting, with other people that understand better than maybe others in their life. So,

Joni: 43:25

find it healing for you

Baylee: 43:27

oh, absolutely. Share parents was the answer like if the whole pageant was just so that I could find share parents. It was worth it and You know now I'm in the position where I knew nothing about pageants and I learned a lot I felt like I was guided to different people who taught me so much along the way and it was truly a transformative process I signed up in October, when March came around and I had worked really hard in the gym, I had healed so much. connected so much with others that by the time March came, I was just a whole new person and I was glowing. I think that is the only way that for some reason they chose me to be Mrs. Utah, America. Which was shocking. I wasn't going into it really hoping to win. I mean, Of course I thought that would be cool. I wanted to be like Hannah and have that crowning moment, but I didn't think anything beyond that. I didn't think about having a whole year. When they called my name, I was in complete shock because I was like, I've already won. Like, Without a crown, me just doing this is a huge win for me. And the whole process of how much I've changed and improved. is a win. And so the crown just felt like extra and I was like, oh wow, this is really neat. And now that means I can do even more because people will take me hopefully even more serious and listen to me a little bit more with the credibility of being Mrs. Utah, which I was super excited and grateful for and has turned out to be true. But. I'm just glad it gave me a reason to pursue healing, pursue giving back.

Joni: 45:22

And community, like a community of people who are silently grieving and they're not talking about it every day, but they're

Baylee: 45:29

Yeah, and just seeing that there's so many other women who have experienced things and their Also working to improve that, and so many of the women that I competed with, who are now my best friends, also experienced loss like, it's just opened my eyes to more people have experienced loss than not, it seems and I've been able to open that conversation a lot more, so I'm grateful.

Joni: 45:58

Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, it seems almost like, uh, contradictory that pregnancy loss leads you to a pageant that then really helps you heal. Like, it sounds like a movie,

Baylee: 46:10

It really does. I still can't believe, this is my reality. and, so for listeners who don't know, I am, I actually got a positive pregnancy test a few months into my Rain as Mrs. Utah, which was not planned at all. It, It physically doesn't make a lot of sense how it happened, and I wanted to wait till my Mrs. Utah time was over, and I will be completely honest by saying that it was a little heartbreaking because I, you know, wanted to just focus on. What I had worked so hard on, both physically, my physical shape, as well as, I wanted to put all my energy into my platform. And knowing I was going to go to Mrs. America in August, and I was going to be four months pregnant, that was Really depressing, actually. And it felt ironic that I was pregnant when I was talking about pregnancy loss. And I was like, are people gonna take this the wrong way? But I've actually come to realize that It couldn't be more fitting because as I feel my womb, you know, expanding and moving, feeling a kicking child inside me, meanwhile talking to somebody who has lost that. It just brings a whole new level of compassion because I don't want to lose this right now. And so I can feel more, I'm actually in this position right now and if I didn't get another day like this, I can feel so much more for you. And, I don't have any expectations for a full term pregnancy, you know, it's hard. I don't think I ever will again, so it's just every day that I I found out it is a girl, which is very fun to have my first girl, and, you know, it's a very feminine year for me, but, every single day that I get with her, I can't take for granted, and even if it means that I'm not fitting in the gowns, that's okay, because this is this is my message that, this is the most important thing. Is, being a mother and loving your baby, and there's so many women who want that so badly, so you just have to appreciate it and and try to educate others on, what it feels like to not have that, because there's so many people who just have a hard time connecting with those who lose babies because they've never lost.

Joni: 49:03

well they call it disenfranchised grief because you had something but you have nothing that other people see that you lost necessarily. It sounds like it's Increase your own gratitude, increase your own and then hopefully can help other people also feel that and empathize with those that have lost. I definitely have learned a lot over the last several years about, like people told me they miscarried. And I was like, Oh, I'm so sorry. But. And everyone's different. Like for some people, they process it differently, but for a lot of people, it's a huge loss. And it's definitely helped me just remember it and ask more because they think about it. And so just being a little bit more. comfortable with death in a way that I can bring it up and be like, how's it going? After your miscarriage or after your loss? Are you thinking about him or her? Are you, yeah, I don't know. Just like, don't know if those are the perfect questions, but it seems like people are thinking about them. And so it's nice to be able to honor them and actually have them as part of the conversation, even though we don't get to spend time with, with, the

Baylee: 50:14

I think that's huge, that that's something you've learned, and I hope that more people can so maturely learn what you have. Because, people are scared to say the wrong thing, or think, Oh, if I bring it up, I'm gonna make them sad. But like you said, they're most likely already thinking about it, and they like any opportunity to be able to talk. And, Yeah.

Joni: 50:42

Yeah. thank you so much for sharing your story so beautifully, Bailey. I really appreciate it and thanks for being open and willing to like, cry during it. You still carry it. It still hard. It's, it's not gone. Even though it was, two and a half, two years ago now. that grief doesn't go away.

Baylee: 51:01

and I think that's what I hope listeners can know, that, they shouldn't feel guilty if they still feel those feelings that likely will never go away and it's, it's something that they can, work on healing their whole life and talk about and there's nothing wrong with them for feeling that way.

Joni: 51:21

Are there any other resources or like, books or anything you recommend that helped you? If not, that's okay, but I thought I'd ask.

Baylee: 51:30

I've tried to create a resource of my own a podcast, not as cool as yours I think I told you, your podcast actually inspired me when I went to the playground with my kids and I saw this flyer for it and I just thought how important it is to connect moms because it can be so lonely. And when you only have little children and there's not a lot of adult interaction sometimes so that's what inspired me. My podcast is called The Butterfly Broadcast and just guests getting to share their stories and their resources that they found or created. And so, I think that's the best way I can direct somebody is going to that podcast because so many of those guests have written books or have created an organization or like a little business to honor um, And so, I hope it can be just the resource of resources.

Joni: 52:26

Yeah, I think that's excellent. And I had forgotten that about my podcast. So that makes me so happy. I'm so grateful that you found it. But yeah, I think having a collection of all those resources in one place can be so powerful. And I've listened to your podcast episodes. They're heartbreaking. But that's what people are feeling. So it can be really comforting that. You're not alone. You're not the only one that's heart is broken. And then also being able to find those resources.

Baylee: 52:55

I know the audience isn't everybody, but I think the two audiences I care about the most are someone who is like me, who wanted to hear others experiences and then the other audience is, Let's say you recorded your experience and your mom never really got to understand what you really felt. And now your mom has like an indirect way to listen and understand better. I've had so many people come up to me after I shared mine and be like, Oh, I had no idea it affected you that way. And I'm like Well, yeah, I mean, it's hard to start a conversation, but you've got to listen to it and now you understand and now you can talk to me about it better so, I'm hoping it can help others connect with their families or friends more, too, just because, they want to support it. I'm like, oh, you're on a podcast, I'll listen. Oh, my eyes are way more open to what you were feeling and so I think it's been successful in that way. Exactly.

Joni: 53:49

I love that. Not everyone has like the capacity to sit down and let someone tell them their story and you don't always want to tell your story. Like, I mean, you want to talk about the baby, but maybe you don't want to go into in depth detail every single conversation you have. And so I think that's a, wonderful audience to target as well. And hopefully they can um, Um, increase their own empathy and be able to better support their friends and then future people who lose because they're going to know more. It does happen too often. okay. Well, Anything else you want to add, Bailey?

Baylee: 54:20

No, I just want to say that, for me, doing the pageant was a very healing way, but there are so many ways to address feelings, but it's worth the self care. to To address, no matter how that looks for you. If it's therapy, if it's a new hobby, if it's giving back and charities or I just think you know, whatever somebody's going through it's worth working through, you're worth it and Nothing is too silly to address.

Joni: 54:55

Thank you. Yeah, that's a beautiful message. Well, thank you for your time. This has been such an honor to hear your story.

Baylee: 55:01

Thank you so much Joanie for having me

55:04

Welcome to the Sad Moms Club. Welcome to the Sad Moms Club. Welcome to the Sad Moms Club.

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Joni Lybbert

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